How does it feel like moving out from one’s comfort zone? || Stages of Homesickness
- Mahal Vorson
- Apr 10, 2020
- 8 min read
Updated: Dec 6, 2020
Have you tried moving to a new place, school, or working environment? Was it easy? What were the things you did to overcome homesickness?
Moving to a new country, working environment or school is like a roller coaster ride. There are inevitable tremendous moments of ups and downs. One will experience different stages of culture shock. The feeling is extremely exhilarating in general. I got married with a foreigner husband and moved to new environment and experience a different language and culture. Everything was new. I and my children sailed into different phases of culture shock:
1. Honeymoon Stage. This is the first stage of culture shock when I and my children were so excited to explore the beauty and novelty of the West. It’s an overwhelming stage of exploring new landscapes and terrains. It’s unforgettable memory of jumping out from one’s comfort zone. It’s a satisfying trip of tasting the American cuisines serving Tater Hot Dish, Grilling Burgers, Pizza buffets with variety of cheese. Everything seems so satisfying and glorious.
Having traveled the other side of the world is already a triumphant thought of a typical person like me who grew up in Asia and who came from a third world country. The feeling of odd happiness lasted for a month or two. It’s a stage when everything that I eat tastes exciting and out of this world. The weather condition during our first two months of stay was just totally fine for it was summer time. They say it’s the best time of the year when the scent of flowers is dancing in the air. Everything I saw outside was all green. I enjoyed watching the verdant fields of canola, corn and barley, farm after farm, mile after mile. It’s when I realized how great and wide America by land wise. The vast land was spread out miles after miles.
Literally, the pasture looks greener. I felt so welcomed, so free, so divine. But after a couple of months, gone were the sweet moment of honeymoon stage. The season changed, so did my impression and apprehension.
2. Frustration Stage. This stage has been the most difficult phase of an individual who moved abroad. Everyone who immigrated experience this time with so much discomfort and frustration. It’s when I started to question the lifestyle, the culture and tradition of our new home. It’s when I forced myself and struggled to feel at home even if I live in a very comfortable home with supporting and well-organized community with zero crime rate. It’s when I felt there’s something missing in my life I couldn't tell what it was. The lackness of something created a hollow part in my heart and caused me to long for the people I used to be with, for the routines I used to do. My heart becried the essence of familiarity of things and of people.
I remember how I struggled in this stage. The sight of the foreign food on the table did not excite me anymore for I was insatiably longing for Filipino appetite. The gratification of eating boiled saging saba, the juice of balot pinoy, the crisp of lechon, the smell of daing, and the like. I developed skin allergy out of eating so much dairy products. I had my fair share of acne break out and dry skin. I resorted to stress eating that I gained extra pounds. The level of my confidence declined which developed into some sort of anxiety.
It’s when I realized I couldn’t express myself as much as I needed it because of language barriers. I couldn’t understand some English expressions and slangs. It made me felt dumb and stupid for not able to maintain a smooth flow of conversation with the native speaker. Sometimes I questioned the way I learned English in my country. It’s way too different specially the accent. I realized I have been exposed to Academic English from studying and book reading more than Conversational English. I felt like I had the urgent need of brushing up my communication skills by learning, unlearning, and relearning vocabulary, accent and pronunciation. Aside from communication barrier, I felt frustrated for haven’t been able to go wherever I’d like to go the way I am used to. I couldn’t drive since I hadn’t had driver’s license yet. I miss my me time. I miss my family and friends way back home.
I could still recall, there was an instance that I and my husband were heading to work. I jumped into the car feeling lethargic and demotivated. I remained silence on the way like a cellphone being put into silent mode. As I looked outside, I saw the windmills facing the Northeast with its blade turning at constant speed. The reflection of its light made a glare on the window where I situated. Looking at it I visualized, the familiar streetlights of Cebu city, the faces of my family and friends flashed like powerpoint presentation on the glass surface. I couldn’t help my eyes but to welled up into tears. I tried to control my feelings of deep nostalgia. Then, my husband asked me if I was okay. To conceal my feelings, I said, “Yes, I am fine.” But deep inside I was dying. Then, he replied, “Do you have runny nose?” He must have heard me sniffing the tears run through my nasal cavity. That’s' the time that I could hold it no more. So, I bursted out and said, 'I miss my family and friends.' I had enough of nostalgia. I long to be back home as soon as possible. The burst out happened not only once but many times, not only in the car, but in the couch, in bed even in the bathroom. I felt trapped and there’s no way to escape. Fortunately, I married a good and thoughtful husband who gave me hundreds of reasons to stay, to be patient, and to be strong.
Then, I started to compare and contrast things from the food I ate, the dress I put on, to the weather we had in two different counties. With my situation I couldn’t help but to complain inspite of the abundance.
I think it helped me a lot to voice out that I’m not okay, that everything has been queer, that something has to change for the last past few days. I think being not okay helps rather than keeping my frustration within me which I tried before yet I felt like a volcano ready to pent up. Doing so made me lost my sanity. My husband comforted me and offered all sympathies and assurance in the world he could give to pacify me.
Time flew swiftly. Fall came. October and November 2019 seemed the worst months of my life where I started to questioned my decision of going out from my comfort zone. The feeling of frustrating doubled when my daughter cried because of missing home and catching up lessons being taught in different language, educational system and teaching strategies. My heart was broken into million of pieces looking at my daughter. In front of her, I feigned to be strong and concealed my inner feeling of homesickness. However, no matter how I tried, I bursted out into tears. There’s no way out and it seemed we were inside the tunnel. We couldn’t go home. We actually could but we couldn’t come back if we travelled back home without travel documents. The pandemic made the situation worst. Inside me I knew this was just temporary feelings and somehow fleeting. But the more I thought of going back home, the more time crawled up at it’s finest.
The discomfort was so annoying that I had to do something. So then, I did some research online on how to cope up with Culture Shock. I searched online about homesickness and there I learned the different stages and some coping up strategies. I also read personal blogs trying to gain sympathy and to validate my sanity from other people who immigrated to a new country. Having read some articles of people who were so much homesicked and had recovered gave me sense of hope that one day we would find ourselves back in our feet again and feel at home. I mimicked some coping techniques but not all worked for me. I cooked Filipino food, watched favorite Filipino comedy game show, called my friend and relatives, and I did exercise, too. There were episodic of anxieties every now and then. But what is adamantly constant is my hope and faith that one day everything will be alright. This stage lasted for 6 months. I couldn’t imagine how we coped up. It was literally our own dose of American Great Depresion.
People cope up at varying time and in different ways. Some may take longer and some are lucky for coping up at the shortest time. The good thing is, those who immigrate are able to adjust in due time. It is when everything becomes familiar; the food, the culture, the people, and the lifestyle. During this stage, navigation is no longer a discomfort because places became familiar. I learned how to get to the church, supermarkets, malls and schools. Colloquial, slang words, common expressions are now familiar. The music the new language has been eminent. I was able to establish a circle of friends for support.
Among the three of us, my son had no difficulty moving at all. He’d been excited going to school everyday. He picked up the language and the accent pretty easily while I and my daughter were totally the exact opposite of him. We didn’t like to go somewhere else nor we wished to meet people. In some point in our lives, we were stock in the limbo of social anxiety. Fortunately, just like the passing of time, it went away. We recovered by giving each other utmost support, patience and understanding that we need. We were able to survive the longest days of our lives. Winter had passed and now we are in the period of growth and regeneration.
Spring has come and it's beautiful like daffodils. Everyone is excited to hunt for Easter eggs and is excited to tend the land for cultivation. Lucky are you if you were in this stage for you have been passed the most critical stage of homesicknes. Now , everything feels like normal. Eating pancakes and bacon with rice as side dish seems no longer bizarre. Cooking pancit and adobo alongside with mash potatoes is an awesome meal. We have a lot of options what to eat, we sometimes crave for two cuisines, two culture, two appetites - the east and the west.
4. The Acceptance Stage. Finally, after a long tally of ups and downs, the agony is over. Being on this stage means that you don’t have to understand everything and that you must rate which culture is better over the other. It is when you understand that there’s no right or wrong as far as culture is concerned if you respect and acknowledge the differences. During this time, I stopped comparing between my country of origin and destination. It is the time when I learned what culture I like to follow whether I stick to where my Asian roots or to adapt to the Western culture and bloom where I am planted.
If you were to ask what stage I was right now. I would say I’m in between the stages of Adjustment and Acceptance. It takes time to adjust as they say but based on how I felt right now, I feel so much better than the previous months of frustration. I learned to accept the fact that whether I like it or not I came from The Pearl of the Orient Seas living in The Indies (The New World).
It's quite ironic to realize - the more I stay to a new country the more I discover my country Philippines. It's true when we experience new places and system, the more we understand our beginning.
Each culture is beautiful and unique. Despite of the period of disintegration I experienced, I felt beyond blessed for having been experienced different culture. I develop high tolerance of cultural diversity.
My perception about the world widens and my resistance for pain from separation becomes higher than ever before. In short, I became bolder and wiser.
People react to changes in different ways. Some take short time to adjust while others take months, years or even forever. I don't know exaclty whichever stage of homesickness you are right now. There's one thing is for sure. You will eventually get to the final stage which is acceptance. Just hang in there.
Indeed. There's no better place ideal to live in and call home but where one's family is.
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